I think I saw this album promoted on Instagram (a couple of months ago…long after it actually came out…), I finally got around to listening to it and it’s BLOWING MY MIND. It’s such a comfortable place to be, I want to live in this album for a while.
Stumbled across this video, now I’m crying.
Cringe!
One of the good things about being in my late 30s is that I’ve been through enough trend cycles to see how things from my life have gone in and out of popularity. It helps you understand how what constitutes “cool” is arbitrary when you’ve experienced several periods where crop tops or Geo Metros or electronic music goes in and out of fashion. When you see something you like become “cool” then “cheugy” then “retro” or “camp,” you discover what you actually like about things you thought were cool when you were younger.
One story I like to tell is how I loved electronic music when I was a teenager. It started with the 90s euro dance on the radio when I was a kid (my favorites were Real McCoy, Ace of Base, and even Aqua), and I discovered more techno genres like happy hardcore, trance, drum & bass, jungle, and gabber when I was in high school. The only person I could reliably talk about this music with was my first boyfriend (who helped me get into those genres), and even once I got to college I met very few people who were even aware these types of music existed. Most people were very invested in converting me from a techno fan to liking indie rock, not in sharing music tastes equally. I used to wish that pop radio would have a new electronic music renaissance so I wouldn’t be alone in enjoying it.
Then when dubstep took over pop radio in the 2010s, I realized I made a monkey paw wish.
Maybe if I regularly spent IRL time with the LGBTQ community I would find kindred spirits, especially lovers of euro dance. That music has been the soundtrack of drag culture since the 90s as far as I’m aware, and I do believe there is a special genre of people around my age who feel especially queer when Be My Lover by La Bouche is playing.
And yet! Because I spend a lot of time in straight white spaces, I have yet to meet anyone who is sincerely moved by Another Night by Real McCoy, or Force of Gravity by BT, or You’re Shining by Styles & Breeze, or Halcyon and On and On by Orbital (I was thisclose to walking down the aisle to this song). Sometimes it feels like I temporarily experienced a parallel universe where people has strong positive associations with these types of music, and now I’m back on the main timeline with memories that conflict with others’.
All that is to set the stage for who I am today, a 37-year-old professional sitting at her desk on a workday with Total XTC by Styles & Breeze playing in the background. It feels like I’m putting my flag on territory, staking out my space where I unapologetically listen to music I like and no one understands why. It’s easier because I’m working from home and I don’t have to explain myself to any coworkers, and it does feel nice to reconnect with music I enjoy and that energizes me to get stuff done.
This is just one example of something I’ve been ridiculed for genuinely liking. Add to that list boy bands, Rocket Dog shoes, Baz Luhrmann movies, pink or glittery things, musicals…so many things that inspired genuine joy, excitement and wonder in me but were not cool or mainstream. It could be cool to like things that weren’t mainstream sometimes, but that always seemed to apply to random things or people, never to me. My things were just cringeworthy.
The best thing about getting older is that I feel like I have less and less to prove to society. I started dressing how I wanted no matter what anyone said, going out alone to see movies or try restaurants, and advocating for myself at work and at home. I started insisting to my husband more and more that the things I like are cool even though he may not always agree.
Knowing that things go in and out of style makes some people scramble to always be on top of every trend cycle. For me, it gives me the freedom to be myself apart from what’s in fashion: if I align with current trends I will always have people I can talk about them with, and if I don’t I will always stand out as someone who genuinely likes what they like. And that’s the sort of person I’ve always wanted to be.
My rage can’t be contained by a sign, or a blog post.

America isn’t easy. America is advanced citizenship. You gotta want it bad, ’cause it’s gonna put up a fight. It’s gonna say “You want free speech? Let’s see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who’s standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can’t just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the “land of the free”.
The American President, written by Aaron Sorkin
Since the Shrimp-Eyed Global Warming Accelerator Is Buying Twitter
I guess I’m going to do my micro-blogging on the blog I pay for.
Audiobooks!
I recently listened to an episode of the podcast Books In The Freezer (check it out of you like horror!) where the hosts discuss their favorite horror/thriller audiobooks as well as what makes a good audiobook. I’m a huge fan of audiobooks (not just horror, but definitely some of those) and I was happy to get some new recommendations as well as get validation that these ladies like some of the same books I really like. That made me want to share my favorite audiobooks here!
What makes a good audiobook?
- Good narration – a narrator that can help immerse you right into the story is essential. For me, I like a narrator who can get across the emotion of what’s going on, that’s what really puts me in the protagonist’s shoes.
- Good production value – sometimes sound effects or music can aid in setting a scene, but just as often choosing how and what to record is equally important. Case in point: the worst audiobook I’ve ever heard was a copy of Dune that sounded like it was read by a robot. It wasn’t just the narrator’s voice that made it awful though, it was the pacing and recording quality and the decision to direct the narrator to keep a monotonous style made an already pretty dense book even more of a slog. I recently saw a version of Dune recorded by a full cast (including some narrators I really love) that I’m considering listening to, and I think it will be much more enjoyable if the Reverend Mother doesn’t sound exactly like Thifur Hawat.
- Good writing and style – not all books are suited to being read aloud!
Now, on to my favorites! These are in no particular order, and are books I either borrow from the library over and over again or just outright own because I want to listen to them repeatedly.
Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman (read by Lenny Henry)
This is my favorite Gaiman book, which surprises some of my friends. I love it because it has a mix of everything: laughs, chills, romance, suspense, and mystery. This is a sequel to American Gods (though I don’t think you need to have read it to enjoy this book), but this time the magical elements are front and center in the story and the main character really deals with his rough relationship with his father as a man and as a god. Also, if you’re like me and you heard Anansi stories growing up, it’s a nice to hear a few again and get back in that head space.
Henry hits an absolute home run with the recording. He has to portray a shy and insecure British accountant, a smooth and kind of cocky American slacker, two incredible villains (who are both despicable and terrifying in very different ways), young women of differing social backgrounds and persuasions, several intimidating old ladies (she’s 104!!), and a range of Caribbean accents and he does them all magnificently. I’ve tried to look for other books he’s narrated but most seem to be children’s books, so I’ll just treasure his performance here.
Sleeping Giants, Waking Gods, and Only Human by Sylvain Neuvel (read by a full cast)
If you’ve ever had a good experience with giant robot stories (Ultraman, Neon Genesis Evangelion, The Iron Giant, etc.), this series is a great companion! Neuvel peppered tons of references to other science fiction properties throughout his novels, which themselves are technologically sound but also very relatable. I’ve seen it compared pretty effectively to Pacific Rim – a disparate cast comes together to make sense of giant robot parts found all over the world and after putting the parts together they learn to pilot the robot, the whole time trying to understand where it came from and what it should be used for. There’s romance, drama, and action, all told through recorded interviews with a secretive nameless person. For me, the limited information provided in the interviews created a real mystery that I was excited to solve.
This is one of the audiobooks read by a full cast that really gets it right. Some people are really put off by the interview style of prose, but I think the characters are so dynamic and well-acted that they paint a vivid picture of the setting and action. They also sound like they were able to play off of one another, so the dialogue sounds as natural as it would be if they were really in the same room arguing about linguistics or physics.
Beauty Queens by Libba Bray (read by the author)
I don’t read much YA anymore, but this one has a special place in my heart. Taking place in a heightened version of our reality, this story is about a group of teen girls on their way to compete in the Miss Teen Dream beauty pageant when their plane crashes on (what appears to be) a deserted island. Suddenly these girls who have been rehearsing and practicing how to outperform each other for months have to work together to survive. It’s an acidic satire of toxic femininity, corporate greed, and misogyny while also being a sweet and affirming story of empowerment.
Libba Bray knew exactly what she was going for when she wrote the book, so she brings that to the narration. While it’s a little weird to hear a white woman do the voices of several women of color (I’m really not fond of some of the accents she uses in general), she doesn’t descend into caricature much until she has to voice an actual caricature. She’s wickedly funny too, and takes every opportunity to read the footnotes and commercial ad copy – yes, the book includes fake commercials for products that you might see in this world and they are hilarious – in her best peppy commerical voice. I swear I can hear sparkles when she says the “TM” at the end of brand names!
Under The Banner Of Heaven: The Story Of A Violent Faith by Jon Krakauer (read by Scott Brick)
A somewhat morbid pick, but this is one of my favorite books ever. While the actual murder that forms the core story is interesting I’m more fascinated by the deep dive Krakauer took into the LDS and FLDS communities, tying together incidents of mania and violence throughout the religion’s history. I grew up in areas with noticeable Mormon populations (not FLDS) and while a few of my good friends have been Mormons I was always a bit creeped out by some of the things I heard and saw in their religion. They have nothing on the FLDS though, some of those communities make horror stories sound tame.
Scott Brick is a very prolific audiobook narrator – he’s in the cast of that Dune audiobook I mentioned at the top as well as many other popular books. I find his voice incredibly calming, even when he’s evoking Dan Lafferty or Joseph Smith. He’s one of those narrators I specifically look for and I usually try out an audiobook sight unseen if he’s narrating it.
The Bride Test by Helen Hoang (read by Emily Woo Zeller)
The Bride Test is the second book in this series (the first is called The Kiss Quotient and it also has a good audio version) of romance stories featuring neurodivergent protagonists. Khai is a handsome man with a good head for business, but bad reactions to his autism spectrum disorder when he was a child have convinced him that he is incapable of loving another person. His mom is afraid he’ll never get married, so she travels to Vietnam to find him a bride. She meets Esme, a young, poor single mom and gives her the chance to come to California to meet Khai and maybe start a new life there. Esme is beautiful, brave, whip smart, and a perfect match for Khai, if only she can get him to open up to her.
Zeller is another prolific audiobook narrator, though this is the first book I’ve heard her read. I really appreciate that they got a narrator who can speak in a recognizable Vietnamese accent to help bring the story to life. She doesn’t trip over the male voices either, which can be a stumbling point particularly in romance novels. The love scenes are genuinely exciting, and the heartbreaking scenes are very powerful too. She’ll have you rooting for Esme and Khai before the first half of the book is over!
Sabriel by Garth Nix (read by Tim Curry)
I read this book for the first time in junior high school and it’s one of the few YA novels that I’ve carried with me into adulthood. It’s the story of a smart, brave young woman who is called to take up her father’s mantle when he is presumed dead. She travels into a magical kingdom to find her father and the evil entity that defeated him, using her training in magic (specifically in necromancy) to stay alive and ahead of her enemies. There’s also a bit of romance in this bildungsroman, if you’re interested in that (you already know I am!).
You don’t need me to tell you that Tim Curry can do it all. He’s a phenomenal actor with an impressively wide range that is on display in the whole Sabriel trilogy (he narrates all three books). He’s a convincing teenage girl, seasoned military guard, evil spirit, or enchanted cat! I’ll definitely check out other audiobooks he’s narrated just because I enjoy his voice.
Staying Alive while Sheltering in Place
I didn’t want to make this blog about the COVID-19 pandemic, but that’s what’s going on so naturally it’s been on my mind.
I’m very lucky in that I have a good job that I can do from home with minimal changes that is making a big difference during this time, I have enough money and access to food and supplies to make my stay at home comfortable, and I’m able-bodied and generally in good physical health. My mental health has understandably suffered a bit from not being able to see my friends – I’ve never wanted to hug my best friends as badly as I do now – and do my hobbies outside of my house, but I’m far from incapacitated.
Still, I have been in my house for almost two months now and I needed something comforting in the meantime. Though I’ve eventually broadened my focus, at first I found myself gravitating towards certain genres: I wanted to experience romantic stories and mystery stories. When everything outside seemed to move too fast and feel so uncertain, I wanted the stability of a solid romance plot or a whodunit where you know in the end that the couple will be happy and the murderer will be definitely identified. It’s not much, but it helps to know that some stories have definite resolution even if mine right now doesn’t.
Here are some things that have been helping me pass the time and keep my hopes up:
Old Favorites

Ouran High School Host Club – the best defense of trivial fun and letting yourself be happy (there will definitely be more content about this show on this blog in the future)

The World Is Still Beautiful – making the best of a difficult situation, and an unexpected romance
New Shows & Movies
Criterion Channel – I bought my husband a membership for his birthday this year and I’ve spent some time watching new movies with him, most notably:

All About Eve – the iconic Bette Davis performance about fame, success, and having it all

Diamantino (I only saw the opening scene but HOO BOY)

House – just learn to roll with the weirdness, sometimes it’s all you can do!

A Woman Is A Woman – quasi-musical (and I love musicals!) about growing up and deciding what you want out of life (and especially in a romantic partnership)

Murder on the Orient Express – there is nothing more satisfying than a great detective solving a perplexing mystery!

Amagi Brilliant Park – magical thinking is the key (this is also the first time I’ve laughed out loud at a show in a long time)

Beastars (I had to see what the hype was all about)
Books
Exhalation by Ted Chiang – I especially enjoyed the first story in this collection, “The Merchant and the Alchemist’s Gate”
Yona of the Dawn (manga) by Mizuho Kusanagi – making the best of one of the worst situations imaginable, and finding inner strength to become a hero
Other
Puzzles
Taking pictures of the blooming spring while out on walks in the neighborhood
What’s been getting you through this time?

Taking the plunge
I have thoughts and I want to put them somewhere. This has been rattling around inside me for a long time, faster and faster and louder and louder in the last few months until it became actually unbearable to sit with myself. Something in there is begging to be recognized, and I’ve managed to muster up the courage to create a blog.
This whole process is much harder than I anticipated. I’ve been exploring options for creating a website for another project I’m working on (that will probably end up here in some form eventually), but every option seemed like it had to be an endgame solution and not something that could evolve with me. I can’t fathom how people just create entities online – some people can just start a podcast because they want to, or create a bunch of alternate Twitter accounts for different purposes. I see these things like children – you wouldn’t create them if you weren’t going to nourish and develop them – and I’m terrified of just having a child to see what will happen. But that essentially is what is going on here.
Back in high school I started a LiveJournal and I remember how freely I used to share my thoughts and feelings and just things that I liked at the time. I posted song lyrics and photos and art and long rambling entries or just one-sentence entries about my life at the time. I made friends and carved out a space that was mine. Of course, once I got a little older I was embarrassed of everything and deleted it all. It didn’t represent me anymore, and I was so desperate to reinvent myself over and over again until something felt right and any reminders of who I used to be were getting in the way. If anyone has read Phonogram, I’m like a much less powerful (and less toxic) version of Emily Aster.
I don’t regret deleting my LiveJournal, but I wished there was something like that where I could put my thoughts where people could read and connect with them. In effect, I’m starting this blog to stake my claim on a small corner of the Internet. I want a place to share myself with the world, and I’m simultaneously confident that very few people will actually read what I write. That’s enough for me, I just want my tiny book in the Library of Babel.
To start off, I’m going to establish some ground rules for myself:
- I will speak and let myself be heard. My thoughts aren’t stupid or inconsequential, or maybe they’re just as stupid and inconsequential as anyone else’s. This is my place to speak, and I’m going to use it.
- I won’t use this space to hurt or attack anyone. Inevitably when I vent negative emotions here, I won’t use that opportunity to put down others.
- I will let this space become what it will be. As long as it is my authentic voice, then it’s right.
If you read this, thank you for coming on this journey with me.
