Burnout

About a week ago I started feeling kind of numb, like the amplitude on my feelings and responses to life was being flattened. I chalked it up to getting through a few months of emotional ups and downs (mostly ups to be fair, but it was still a rollercoaster) and decided to listen to my body and take more time to rest between work and the social obligations I had already planned. I was adamant that it didn’t feel bad to be numb, it just felt quiet and maybe a little disorienting (since I’m used to feeling things so strongly).

Unfortunately, in the next few days I experienced a few hard things one right after another. A project I had been devoting a lot of time and energy on at work had to be redone from scratch (with other projects needing to take a backseat), and I had a very uncomfortable interaction with someone I’m very close to. The shock of those important things going awry knocked me off my axis so much that I spent most of last week nonverbal, crying quietly throughout the day then collapsing on the couch to watch movies or TV shows until bedtime every evening. I barely had the strength to feed or bathe myself, and even with spending time with loved ones and friends over the weekend I haven’t recuperated much since then.

I’ve been on a years-long research journey trying to figure out if I’m autistic or not.  I’ve had friends on the spectrum (whether they had been diagnosed professionally or not) my whole life, and while I found it easy to get along with them most of the time (we had a lot in common!) I still felt like I was more neurotypical than they were.  I could ask other people about their interests and look like I was interested much more plausibly, I understood tact and how to soften my words to keep other people from getting offended.  But the older I got and the more I learned about autism, the more I started to see some of those traits in myself.

There are still some things that don’t completely resonate with me though.  I don’t have a totally inflexible sense of right and wrong, I can tell white lies if I need to or I feel like it’s what needs to be done to get through an interaction.  I don’t have “safe” foods that I always eat without fail (though I have foods I prefer over others) and I don’t have insurmountable sensory issues when it comes to food.  The more I think about it, I have gentler presentations of a lot of symptoms.  I’ve been discounting them for years because they weren’t totally debilitating.

Well, things are debilitating now.  I can’t put my feelings into words, so I can’t ask for help.  I get overwhelmed at work, but I don’t have the support or security to tell them how much I’m struggling.  I’m afraid they’re going to accuse me of lying about my capabilities to get this job, when I feel like the conditions of my job have changed so much that it’s destroyed my previous ability to pivot and solve problems. 

I’m worried that I’ll never get back to my old processing capacity ever again, that my brain, body, and soul are just damaged beyond repair.  Like if an athlete goes too hard too fast, ruins their muscles and joints, and is unable to do basic living because they didn’t take care of their body.  I tried to take care of my mind, but I’ve also been told from a young age that I can just do more than most people so the standards for me are different.  I didn’t practice rest or relaxation after a certain age, and I certainly didn’t do the work to figure out what my neurodivergent brain needs to rest and recuperate.

Ultimately, I feel like I don’t have time to rest.  I have work to do, I have bills to pay, and I have people to take care of (emotionally, not always physically).  I’m so worried that if I fall apart, the people who are around me will get resentful of having to take care of me (because I did a bad job) and they’ll leave me, and then I’ll really be in trouble.

The Great FMP Rewatch: G-D I hate this part

I was so excited to restart watching this series. I love Sousuke and Kaname so much. I love Melissa Mao. I even love some aspects of Kurz Weber. Khalinin is still great (so far). The 2002 pervert jokes are few and far between, even if they’re still there.

But G-D DAMN do I hate the bullshit arcs taking up episodes 9-13.

Episodes 9-12 (the A21/Behemoth arc) do drive the overall story forward somewhat, but it’s so hard for me to care about Takuma and Seina and A21. I’m not even sure they want me to. We get a good AS battle and foreshadow Tessa’s Whispered abilities and her working together with Kaname, but I can’t get over how it starts with blatant provocations to make Kaname jealous right after we had a joke episode introduce the concept (Part Time Steady).

I’ve said many times that I have issues with Shouji Gatou (the writer of the light novels FMP is based on)’s penchant for love triangles with one extremely weak side. It’s here and in the criminally underrated Amagi Brilliant Park: you have a male character who is very good at a couple of things and is kind of a failure in a lot of other respects (Sousuke with his military training and little to no social skills, Kanie with his smarts and business savvy but delulu narcissism), a beautiful, intelligent, courageous female character with slight tsundere tendencies who works extremely well with him in a variety of scenarios (Kaname here, Sento in ABP), and a frail, boring, underage-looking, waifish female character with some special power who is also there and everyone keeps insisting is very beautiful and a total catch (Tessa here, Latifah in ABP). Should I do a rewatch of Amagi Brilliant Park after I finish all four seasons of FMP? It will take me substantially less time, but I have things to say about that one too…

This is my main gripe with Tessa as a character: on paper, she’s super interesting.  She’s a genius with an unfortunately more genius older sibling, so she has an inferiority complex (completely glossed over in the animated series, probably fleshed out in the novels).  She is a Whispered like Kaname, so she has a rare insight into what Kaname is going through.  She’s spent a long time with the SRT (Sousuke’s squad), and she’s earned the respect of almost everyone in Mithril.

Unfortunately, in the anime she’s a jealous teenage girl who falls over almost every chance she gets.  Like I said in the last entry, she FORGETS HER STATION AND RESPONSIBILITIES when trying to explain to Kaname what her relationship is with Sousuke.  What would it be like if she was written to be competent, even more so in her element?!  If she took pride in her work and how much her subordinates look up to her, and felt confident enough to go after Sousuke on her own?  And what if she had to weigh her feelings against the fact that she is his BOSS??  So much of her actions towards him read to me as desperate or forced, especially because he only really sees her as his commanding officer.  I know he knows she’s a girl his age too, but at this point Sousuke is too consumed with his rules and patterns of behavior to break the chain of command and really look at Tessa that way.  It bothers me when the story tries to Make Fetch Happen with her.

This only gets worse in episode 13 when Tessa enlists Sousuke’s help to win a mock battle against Melissa Mao (over a bullshit conflict that comes out of nowhere).  Mao is astonishingly childish in this one, but we do get a scene at the end where they make up and recognize each other’s strengths.  Also Tessa buries her face in Mao’s boobs and Mao just lets her.  2002 strikes again!

I just looked up the studio responsible for season 1 of Full Metal Panic (since I know Kyoto Animation took over for TSR), and it’s Studio Gonzo! They’re responsible for some truly iconic 2000s era anime (Welcome to the NHK, the original Hellsing, Gankutsuou, Afro Samurai, Samurai 7), but their work really suffers when they don’t have enough of a budget (that’s the case with all of the aforementioned). I think FMP isn’t, ahem, gonzo enough in the art department to really be impactful. They did excellent work on Hellsing and Gankutsuou (especially for the time period), and I even love the wacky fantasy scenes in NHK, but apart from the mecha battles there isn’t much about FMP that is especially artistically creative or at least out of the ordinary for other anime of this time period.

Assorted thoughts

  • Khalinin being present for Seina’s final moments and telling her his name is still a nice moment
  • LMFAO at Tessa’s “declaration” to Kaname that she’s fallen in love with Sousuke and “may the best woman win” (and Kurz is excited about this? Not even about Sousuke being in a love triangle, but he’s actively cheering for Tessa?? Ridiculous)
  • TESSA. You need to STOP inching your body along on top of Sousuke when he tries to crawl away. You are a MENACE.

The Great FMP Rewatch of 2024

Me as soon as Tomorrow starts playing

It recently came to my attention that I haven’t watched any anime in over a month, which is a decent dry spell for me.  My friend group I usually watch with is unavailable/going through some changes, so we haven’t been able to keep up with our shows.  I’m also not particularly interested in any new or ongoing shows on streaming platforms, so I don’t really have any pressure to watch anything that’s not an old favorite.

And since it’s been a few years, I decided it’s high time I sat down and watched one of my favorite series of all time: Full Metal Panic! (2002-2018)

Look at all that 2002 energy and detail!

I will definitely be watching the three main (serious) seasons, but depending on my mood I may also watch the joke season Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu.  Fumoffu was technically the first FMP story I watched (absolutely wild that that was my introduction to this world), but as I got more and more into the main story I started to just see it as a waste of time.  Too much jerking around and not enough real intimacy building.

I’m definitely looking forward to The Second Raid, that’s when I really feel the series hit its stride and really started to develop the characters.  Kaname and Sousuke don’t change a ton between the start and the end of the first season, despite the huge life shifts they go through.  It isn’t until TSR that we see Kaname becoming proactive about her situation and Sousuke really thinking about his feelings and the impact of his decisions.

That’s a lot of vague spoilery stuff, so for anyone reading this blog who doesn’t know what Full Metal Panic is I’ll say this: it’s a mecha/action/comedy/romance anime (it’s a lot).  A teenage mercenary is assigned to infiltrate a Japanese high school to guard a popular girl with latent psychic abilities that would make her a target for militarized groups (mostly global terrorists).  He is terrible at blending in with normal civilians (because he’s a child soldier), but eventually he makes friends and establishes a close relationship with the girl he is guarding.  For her part, as she gets pulled more and more into his world by various kidnapping attempts, she learns to harness her psychic abilities (as well as her existing bravery and forthrightness) to protect herself and her loved ones.  There are also hijinks with the mercenary group our male lead is a part of as well as at the high school, and there’s a bullshit love triangle that I like to ignore most of the time (because Sousuke and Kaname are OTP).

The action is packed, the jokes are mostly pretty good (thanks in large part to the excellent voice casting, minus Mr. Filet Mignogna), the romance burns achingly slowly, and the animation really gets good once Kyoto Animation comes on the scene.  Every time I start the first season I remember, “Oh yeah, anime in the 2000s was a little rough…” but I even relish getting through it because I know how great it gets later.

Assorted thoughts while watching FMP episodes 1-9:

  • Sometimes people pronounce Kaname’s name more like Konami and that bothers me
  • I think this relationship dynamic (hyper-competent vs autistically oblivious) permanently scarred me
  • Karenai Hana is still one of my favorite anime theme songs of all time, and I still want it played at my funeral
  • The scene where Mao hears the order to destroy Kurz’s M9 is heartbreaking, I felt such a sense of loss
  • The 2002 obsession with panty shots/calling someone a pervert is killing me!!
  • The A21/Behemoth arc is a real snooze (and where I ultimately stopped), particularly because Tessa is so annoying.  “I’m the captain of a…what is it again?” Are you serious right now?? You can’t be a legitimate rival to someone like Kaname if you don’t seem like a credible threat.  Get your act together, you big baby!

Oh HELL No

If you want to check out another Science Saru project after watching the Scott Pilgrim anime, Devilman Crybaby is NOT a good choice! It may be visually inventive, but it’s got none of the charming aspects SP is famous for. It’s much too bleak and nihilistic.

Instead, I’d recommend The Night is Short, Walk On Girl or, even more heartily, Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken! They’re zany and a bit irreverent, there are characters with ridiculous personalities and insecurities, and relationships (romantic and platonic) play out in all their dysfunctional glory. Why go for inescapable darkness or a demon orgy when you can experience a 10-minute improvised musical declaration of love or watch a bunch of friends brainstorm a new fantasy world around them?

What if…

If I had the power to do it, I would make Israel/Palestine the first anarchist state established in the new millennium. No authorities, everyone has to work together to take care of the land and each other. Let the people who love and value the land so much come together and work out a solution that honors everyone.

Except those fucking Christian Zionists. They can hurry up and go to Hell where they belong.

Seasons Change

I think I’ve finally hit my breaking point with capitalism, and I’m almost there with life in general. It’s supremely frustrating to know that I have to go to work every day to make money in order to come home and be able to eat a meal requiring minimal preparation and watch/listen to some entertainment before I fall asleep and do it all again. I used to find fulfillment in my work, I knew I was doing good, necessary work so that people could get healthcare they desperately need. Even though I’m still doing that, I can’t get the same satisfaction out of a job well done as I used to. I used to feel like my job was making provider’s lives easier, so they could see more patients and provide good care. Now I feel like I’m working for a money dispensing machine that people are constantly abusing, then complaining about.

That’s not to say that I blame people for complaining about the US healthcare system. It is awful, and I want to make it better however I can. But ultimately I don’t have the power to do that by myself, so until we reform healthcare again I’m stuck working for a very stable, very lucrative monster.

It feels too early to be thinking about a career change, even though I know several people who are younger than me who have made multiple career changes. I’ve worked my way up from housekeeping/light labor to customer service to office work and now to specialized technical white collar work, all the while expecting pay to match my level of skill (at least, to my knowledge). I don’t generally like to be in uncomfortable/insecure situations, and changing my career and income would be extremely uncomfortable. I’ve been trained from an early age to be self-sufficient and self-reliant so I can get myself out of any situation and only ask for help when everything I’ve done for myself hasn’t worked, so the idea of changing careers and being dependent on anyone else when I’ve worked so hard to become this independent is terrifying.

Still, this is a natural step on my anti-capitalist journey and I want to allow myself time and space to really think about it in a revolutionary way. It’s so easy to get caught up in what is and what has worked in the past that it’s hard to really make a new vision of the future happen.

I did a journaling exercise the other day that involved me brainstorming five alternate lives I could see myself living, and because I’m where I’m at they all revolved around changes in occupation. I thought about how I envisioned my future when I was a child, and it always involved some form of performance or expression for or with other people, so that we could share emotions and make memories. I wanted to be a travelling storyteller or a Broadway/opera singer or some other sort of artist, and with every day that goes by I feel more and more existential angst that I’m not able to create or practice art.

Capitalism is a progressive disease. Work is no longer a way I can contribute positively to the world, it’s a necessary evil because we need money to meet our material needs of survival.

Magic in the Real World

Lately I’ve been exploring my potential connections to magic and how I can tap into them in ways that feel right for me. While I’m not too interested in going full Wicca, I like the idea of connecting more to the natural world and honoring the metaphysical. I’ve always been interested in magic (right now I say “magic” and not “magick” because the latter has connotations I’m not 100% aligned with) and witchcraft but never had the resources to explore it, so I’m doing it now that I’m an adult with autonomy and a disposable income.

A few weeks ago I went to the local witchcraft store and just walked the perimeter of it, exploring the different sections and seeing what resonated with me (I’m also trying to live more authentically by listening to my body and noticing what I respond to). The store had a bit of almost everything – candles, herbs, crystals, books, divination tools, shamanic tools – so I was able to spend some time in each section and really see how I felt about it.

The magics that most resonated with me were:

  • Stones/crystals
  • Candles
  • Aromas (herbs, oils, some incense, maybe cooking, etc)
  • Music

If it wasn’t obvious from my previous entry detailing my love for 90s-2000s electronic music, music in general is extremely important to me. It’s a mode of expression and connection vital to my very existence – if we can bond over music we may be friends for life, and almost nothing else helps me solidify the boundaries around who I am as a person. If you think “Bring It All Back” by S Club 7 is the most vapid song ever, I may not contradict you to your face but I will know that some part of you hates a tiny part of me.

I think it was in 2008 or 2009, when I was still trying to amass nerd cred and tried to shop regularly at my local comic shop (despite having very little money), that I picked up volume one of Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie’s Phonogram series. If you’re not familiar, it was a story about British 20-somethings who use music to work magic called phonomancy. If you’ve ever gotten deep into a style of music, so much that it fundamentally changed who you are as a person, or even if you’ve ever been moved to heightened emotion by a song, you know the power that phonomancy can have over you.

I wasn’t able to connect deeply to the first volume’s story about a guy reckoning with the death (and possible resurrection?) of Britpop. I wasn’t aware that Blur and Oasis had multiple songs, much less multiple albums. But the second volume of the series followed a variety of characters using and dealing with music and magic in different ways, and suddenly the whole idea snapped into focus. I could resurrect old loves by playing our songs. I could put on metaphysical armor by getting ready to a “Going Out” playlist. I could reconnect with my childhood self by singing along to 90s pop songs. And now that I have experience DJing for social dances, I can see what effect my music choices have on other people. This is the most tangible magic I’ve ever been able to access, and you better believe I’m going to get good at it.

I found this article this morning while exploring whether or not other people have been moved to try practicing phonomancy in their everyday lives, and I was inspired by the playlist the author set out to create. Respectfully, I want to continue their tradition and share my own magic with the world.

Track 1: A Song That Blew My Mind
A track symbolises my headfirst dive into loving music.

Track 2: A Song That Takes You Back In Time
A track that transports me back in time to a key memory.

Track 3: A Curse Song
A track that brings up sad or bad memories.

Track 4: A Song that Show Who I Was/A Song that Shows Who I Became (Medley)
A medley of tracks that show the evolution of my music tastes as I age.

Track 5: A Song That You Heard Long Ago, But Now Makes Sense
A track that you may have liked or heard in the past, that now resonates with renewed vigor.

Track 6: A Song that Makes You Dance for You
A track that makes you want to dance like no one is watching.

Track 7: A Song That Makes You Dance with Others
A track that makes you want to throw your arms around your friends and dance together.

Brendan Shanahan for Mic Drop Music, “Exploring My Life Through Phonomancy”