Cringe!

One of the good things about being in my late 30s is that I’ve been through enough trend cycles to see how things from my life have gone in and out of popularity. It helps you understand how what constitutes “cool” is arbitrary when you’ve experienced several periods where crop tops or Geo Metros or electronic music goes in and out of fashion. When you see something you like become “cool” then “cheugy” then “retro” or “camp,” you discover what you actually like about things you thought were cool when you were younger.

One story I like to tell is how I loved electronic music when I was a teenager. It started with the 90s euro dance on the radio when I was a kid (my favorites were Real McCoy, Ace of Base, and even Aqua), and I discovered more techno genres like happy hardcore, trance, drum & bass, jungle, and gabber when I was in high school. The only person I could reliably talk about this music with was my first boyfriend (who helped me get into those genres), and even once I got to college I met very few people who were even aware these types of music existed. Most people were very invested in converting me from a techno fan to liking indie rock, not in sharing music tastes equally. I used to wish that pop radio would have a new electronic music renaissance so I wouldn’t be alone in enjoying it.

Then when dubstep took over pop radio in the 2010s, I realized I made a monkey paw wish.

Maybe if I regularly spent IRL time with the LGBTQ community I would find kindred spirits, especially lovers of euro dance. That music has been the soundtrack of drag culture since the 90s as far as I’m aware, and I do believe there is a special genre of people around my age who feel especially queer when Be My Lover by La Bouche is playing.

And yet! Because I spend a lot of time in straight white spaces, I have yet to meet anyone who is sincerely moved by Another Night by Real McCoy, or Force of Gravity by BT, or You’re Shining by Styles & Breeze, or Halcyon and On and On by Orbital (I was thisclose to walking down the aisle to this song). Sometimes it feels like I temporarily experienced a parallel universe where people has strong positive associations with these types of music, and now I’m back on the main timeline with memories that conflict with others’.

All that is to set the stage for who I am today, a 37-year-old professional sitting at her desk on a workday with Total XTC by Styles & Breeze playing in the background. It feels like I’m putting my flag on territory, staking out my space where I unapologetically listen to music I like and no one understands why. It’s easier because I’m working from home and I don’t have to explain myself to any coworkers, and it does feel nice to reconnect with music I enjoy and that energizes me to get stuff done.

This is just one example of something I’ve been ridiculed for genuinely liking. Add to that list boy bands, Rocket Dog shoes, Baz Luhrmann movies, pink or glittery things, musicals…so many things that inspired genuine joy, excitement and wonder in me but were not cool or mainstream. It could be cool to like things that weren’t mainstream sometimes, but that always seemed to apply to random things or people, never to me. My things were just cringeworthy.

The best thing about getting older is that I feel like I have less and less to prove to society. I started dressing how I wanted no matter what anyone said, going out alone to see movies or try restaurants, and advocating for myself at work and at home. I started insisting to my husband more and more that the things I like are cool even though he may not always agree.

Knowing that things go in and out of style makes some people scramble to always be on top of every trend cycle. For me, it gives me the freedom to be myself apart from what’s in fashion: if I align with current trends I will always have people I can talk about them with, and if I don’t I will always stand out as someone who genuinely likes what they like. And that’s the sort of person I’ve always wanted to be.