Taking the plunge

I have thoughts and I want to put them somewhere. This has been rattling around inside me for a long time, faster and faster and louder and louder in the last few months until it became actually unbearable to sit with myself. Something in there is begging to be recognized, and I’ve managed to muster up the courage to create a blog.

This whole process is much harder than I anticipated. I’ve been exploring options for creating a website for another project I’m working on (that will probably end up here in some form eventually), but every option seemed like it had to be an endgame solution and not something that could evolve with me. I can’t fathom how people just create entities online – some people can just start a podcast because they want to, or create a bunch of alternate Twitter accounts for different purposes. I see these things like children – you wouldn’t create them if you weren’t going to nourish and develop them – and I’m terrified of just having a child to see what will happen. But that essentially is what is going on here.

Back in high school I started a LiveJournal and I remember how freely I used to share my thoughts and feelings and just things that I liked at the time. I posted song lyrics and photos and art and long rambling entries or just one-sentence entries about my life at the time. I made friends and carved out a space that was mine. Of course, once I got a little older I was embarrassed of everything and deleted it all. It didn’t represent me anymore, and I was so desperate to reinvent myself over and over again until something felt right and any reminders of who I used to be were getting in the way. If anyone has read Phonogram, I’m like a much less powerful (and less toxic) version of Emily Aster.

I don’t regret deleting my LiveJournal, but I wished there was something like that where I could put my thoughts where people could read and connect with them. In effect, I’m starting this blog to stake my claim on a small corner of the Internet. I want a place to share myself with the world, and I’m simultaneously confident that very few people will actually read what I write. That’s enough for me, I just want my tiny book in the Library of Babel.

To start off, I’m going to establish some ground rules for myself:

1. I will speak and let myself be heard. My thoughts aren’t stupid or inconsequential, or maybe they’re just as stupid and inconsequential as anyone else’s. This is my place to speak, and I’m going to use it.
2. I won’t use this space to hurt or attack anyone. Inevitably when I vent negative emotions here, I won’t use that opportunity to put down others.
3. I will let this space become what it will be. As long as it is my authentic voice, then it’s right.

If you read this, thank you for coming on this journey with me.